It is what it is...but should it be?

The numbers are alarming.

In 2001, when Shaquille Payne was missing his incarcerated mother, there were 1.5 million children like him. In the decade since this statistic, this number has rocketed to 2.7 million. One in 28 children is feeling the pain Payne did.

Unfortunately, silence is still a large part of the way these children deal with it.

I’d known Payne for about 5 years and yet his struggles were largely unknown to me. In fact, when I first decided to focus on youth with an incarcerated parent, I didn’t think to speak to him. And yet, he’d lost his entire family to prison. But he’d always just been silent about it, taking an “it is what it is” approach to his own emotions.

This phrase signifies a larger social attitude and creates a tough exterior to deal with tougher circumstances: broken homes, poverty, drugs, alcohol, and just overall hardship.

It allows the young men dealing with similar circumstances to keep their emotions in check and interact with their environment without it touching them.

It is indicative of the acceptance of their environment but is touched with the grimness that shows they wishes that it wasn’t what it was, but something different. However, it acknowledges their lack of power to change it.  

Inarguably resources are critical to their ability to deal with tough situations and, from this, to break the cycle. This can include after-school programs, sports, or community recreation centers that offer a safe haven for youth.

If they are fortunate enough to have access to these resources, then a certain level of individual responsibility must be assumed as well. And we see this in Shaq’s story. These programs will never be enough alone, regardless of their annual budgets and community support. Only the individual can control whether he utilizes these resources.

And at some point, a young person must make this decision. While an incarcerated parent may have laid down a path, it is ultimately up to him/her whether he chooses this one or the one offered through alternative resources.

Payne’s individual approach to his own circumstances demonstrate that while a societal change is needed, in the meantime, individuals can do something besides wait. And he stressed not giving up.

“It gets better,” he said. “There is always a light, no matter how far away.”

You have to set two kinds of goals, he added, one that is long-term and will take years to reach, and many smaller ones to help you achieve that larger one. The smaller ones keep you on track.

And “it is what it is” shouldn’t be the acquiescence to unfortunate circumstances that it used as, but a reason for change, no matter how small this first step may be.